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Attachment in practice – independence boundaries frustration & conflict

We hear from the expert, Dr. P.O. Svanberg, on how secure attachment figures support the development of self-regulation in two year olds. We observe two year old, and his parent, on a trip into town. During their outing, Mum is able to support the child and allay his frustrations as they share a secure attached relationship. She is emotionally available to him but is able to create boundaries that help him navigate the world safely. This clip demonstrates clearly how key attachment relationships support the development of self-regulation in two year olds.

Good for looking at:

  • Self-regulation
  • Boundaries
  • Conflict
  • Negotiation
  • Attachment relationships
  • Parents
 
00:05
I want to taking the picture of me.
00:10
This is Lila's cousin, Seb
00:11
with his mum, Katrina.
00:13
He's a strong minded toddler,
00:15
and conflicts often arise.
00:17
No, I don't want the jacket.
00:19
I don't want jacket!
00:23
Come on, we're nearly there
00:24
and you can take it off
00:24
as soon as we get there, okay?
00:25
No, I'm not!
00:26
It can be hard
00:27
to get the balance right
00:28
between being over controlling and authoritarian
00:31
or under controlling and helpless.
00:33
There you go, it's all done.
00:34
Just letting him do as he pleases.
00:36
Neither is good for the attachment relationship.
00:40
Okay, you can leave the buttons open.
00:44
Insecurely attached children
00:47
can get even more difficult at this stage.
00:51
So, the parent says, "No, don't do that"
00:54
and the toddler says, "Well, I want to."
00:58
During that what is called the terrible twos,
01:04
almost invariably, all toddlers will go through
01:07
the same phase because it's also
01:09
a way of almost saying,
01:12
I am going to be my own person.
01:15
I have been your little boy or your little girl,
01:18
but now I'm going to be my little boy
01:20
or my little girl, so to speak.
01:23
And it's by being negative and saying no
01:26
that children distance themselves
01:28
as they have to do from their parents.
01:32
Which incidentally is one of the hardest
01:35
thing that you do as a parent.
01:38
Where?
01:39
Okay, we're going to put a little bit of water
01:41
in this bowl.
01:42
Seb can be difficult,
01:44
but he will be cooperative
01:45
when treated sensitively.
01:47
Do you want to do the soap?
01:48
So, Katrina makes sure
01:49
he listens to what she says,
01:51
and praises him when he does what she asks.
01:55
Responding sensitively and clearly
01:57
further develops the attachment relationship.
01:60
Okay, now use your cloth, yes.
02:03
Give everything a wipe and pile it up
02:05
on top of that pan.
02:10
But make sure you keep all the water in the sink.
02:12
Here, wash this one first.
02:17
Yeah.
02:17
I'm wash this.
02:18
And the other side, hold on, the other side.
02:22
I'm washing this first.
02:24
Is that all nice and clean?
02:25
When they're clean, put them on there.
02:30
That's good.
02:31
Good boy.
02:33
The more you praise, the better it is.
02:37
Initially you can praise
02:39
for absolutely everything
02:42
and then as the child grows older,
02:45
you become a little bit more discriminating
02:48
in your praise,
02:50
and you shape the child's behavior like that.
02:53
It's very much better
02:55
to use praise than punishment.
02:58
Woo!
02:60
That was one Pippin to get those on.
03:05
Pippin.
03:06
Boing!
03:07
Katrina and Seb
03:08
are off to the shops.
03:09
Katrina has agreed that Pippin
03:10
can come with them,
03:12
but doesn't want to take the orange.
03:13
Here we go, Seb.
03:15
Boing!
03:16
Oh, Pippin has--
03:18
No, we'll leave that there, darling.
03:19
We'll leave that there as well.
03:21
No, I want to eat it.
03:22
You can have that,
03:23
you can have that when you get back, darling.
03:25
Negotiation is now
03:26
an essential part of the attachment relationship.
03:28
Come on then, let's go.
03:32
I'll take it down.
03:33
Where?
03:34
Hold on, I'll get his tail.
03:35
Yeah.
03:36
Come on then.
03:39
You're carrying him.
03:40
Yeah.
03:41
Here, you get in the push chair,
03:44
and then you can pull Pippin along.
03:45
To negotiate,
03:46
Katrina has to be very clear
03:48
in her own mind what Seb can and can't do.
03:54
I want to walk.
03:56
You can get out
03:57
when we get to the post office, can't you.
04:00
Okay, can't see doggy.
04:04
I want to see doggy.
04:08
Oh, doggy's getting tangled.
04:11
What's happened?
04:16
There we are.
04:21
Oh, there's a bus.
04:22
Oh, it's the bus.
04:23
It's a bus.
04:24
Jump down, that's a good boy.
04:28
Stop there.
04:29
When there are disagreements,
04:30
Katrina explains why Seb can't do
04:32
exactly as he likes.
04:33
It's coming!
04:34
Yes, I know it's coming,
04:35
but you have to wait here
04:36
because this is where we stopped, isn't it?
04:38
You wait here.
04:39
That's a good boy.
04:42
Can I climb on it?
04:43
Good boy.
04:49
Once it's safe,
04:52
Katrina let's Seb be independent,
04:56
and he finds his own seat on the bus.
05:08
Although he's keen to explore
05:09
Seb still wants to keep
05:12
his attachment figure close.
05:13
Mum!
05:14
Yeah?
05:16
Where's Pippin?
05:18
There he is.
05:19
I got him a ticket.
05:21
Ha?
05:24
Yeah, one for you
05:26
and one for Pippin.
05:26
There you go.
05:31
You can keep his.
05:33
Again they're negotiating
05:34
the sweet shop.
05:41
There is lollipops, two lollipops.
05:42
I want--
05:46
What about a Kinder Surprise?
05:47
Which one?
05:50
isn't it awesome chocolate buttons?
05:51
This color.
05:52
That one?
05:52
Come on then.
05:53
Give it to the lady.
05:54
Learning social skills
05:56
through his relationship with Katrina
05:58
will help Seb to form good relationships
06:00
with other people in the future.
06:03
Come on then.